I am used to hanging out with ppl who don’t behave recklessly (like would leave if a security guard came), care if i’m uncomfortable (that usually includes you), include me in conversation, and…
“Well, it wasn’t about you.”
Well, why not? You invited me, right? You wanted me there. I’m trying to imagine a scenario where I invite you and my brother shows up, and let’s say, Keily is there, too, and I spend 90% of my energy on her. I can’t imagine. And if she was uncomfortable, or even if I felt angry, and needed these people, missed these people (i’ve been long distance too, and sick for more than 6 weeks at a time honey, with no one, no one). Trying to imagine what it would take for me to sit there not caring that she was off in a corner miserable. Or worse, to get mad at her for feelings her feelings.
It would take extreme selfishness, which is not like you. Which makes me think, as hurt as I was, that you must be going through a lot more than I realized.
Or, that you just flipped an “I hate Hope switch” or an “i’ve hated her and this is the breaking point.”
Maybe a few years ago, for the second one.
But I’ve been a model freakin’ friend this time. The last 2 months, passive aggressive. OK. I can see that. You’re “dating” someone awful, and I can’t say anything. I can’t. You say I can but I can’t. I did a little, and you get defensive, which is the natural reaction.
But the last time I really just told you the truth, you shut me out, said you get enough of that from your mom, yourself, and you don’t need anymore of that “judgement” a.k.a. outside good sense and opinion from other people, but then said no tell me, it’s you. Mixed message. Meh. I just decided, I told her once how I feel. She knows. I don’t have to say it again. But my opinions aren’t going to disappear. So I’m going to listen. If my feelings show through my listening, and you want to call that P.A., okay. I don’t think that’s fair, but okay. What would you have me do? you’re making bad male choices. You’ve flat out interrupted me bitching about John twice to say that I’m lucky to have someone. I have someone great part because of luck, I met the right guy, but because before him, when I dated all the losers, I didn’t stay with them for companionship more than a few weeks at a time. When I realized they were no good, I moved on. And when you don’t, and you say non non-boyfriend who takes your car, money, time, sanity, etc, is making you a “one-man woman” well, that’s cutting you off from other opportunities. Not just hooking up with couples and rando-s, but like leaving yourself open to love. I can’t tell you how many times I told you to get therapy. “Yeah, I know.” You knew, you didnt go. LIke, what else could I say?
I’ve worked so hard on myself, and I’m moving forward, and I see you stuck, and then I feel like you block me from helping you in ways, and then I get punished for not saying things that you would then punish me for.
I’ve grown up.
You’re now the one doing drugs and drinking, and not knowing where your home is. It sucks. It’s a shitty place to be.
You’re now the one smoking pot in a parking lot (although I was always paranoid and wanted to smoke inside).
I’ve found my love person, my place in life. I’m getting healthier.
I quit being self-destructive.
Like, does this frustrate you? Do these new dynamics throw you off? Help me out here.
If all you got is that I’m a sensitive person (makes me me) and that I had a freakout one night (coulda banked that against 2 1/2 years of bestfriendship instead of taking out whatever’s going on in your life out on me.) That I’m selfish (I kinda have to be. Wish I wasn’t. Being sick sucks. Kinda an excuse, kinda not. Again, there are things and things I would do differently but I don’t have a time machine. I did think, thought, that even after that night, I had a best friend who would forgive me for ruining her night. Because I’d earned a screw up. And that she’d calm down, realize she was wrong too. But even if you didn’t, like seriously? “Hope was there for me, for the last 2 1/2 years, through thick and thin. Every time we had a bump in the road, we brought it up. We weren’t passive aggressive like before it was great. But ONE NIGHT, we hung out, she said she was feeling certain ways, I didn’t believe her and assumed she was out to ruin my one night with my good friend and brother, and so I’m cutting her off. I’m gonna ignore her, then tell her that she IS in fact passive aggressive and say some other mean things, and then when she fights dirty back, then I’ll have my proof that it’s not just one night, that she is in fact the bad person I need her to be. Then I’ll announce the end of our friendship on a Facebook post after unfriending her, so she can see it, or hear about it through friends. I won’t call her or text her, because I’ve rewritten not just 2+ years of history but 2 decades, and everything I’ve said about her being my person and my best friend and the person who gets me and picks me up is now suddenly untrue because of this one night, and maybe these last two months of me being able to tell that she was biting her tongue, and maybe this even longer resentment that I had that she has a lot to be greatful for and doesn’t appreciate it. Yep. That’s what I’m gonna do. This is the honor I’m going to pay to this person who I have called crying in the middle of the night. I”m going to handle it this way.
But you know what? I didn’t handle shit well that night, so who the fuck am I to judge?
I’ve already forgiven you.
I don’t give a fuck what you said to my mom. I mean, it sucks man. Part of me thinks you doing the thing I did with Mike, where I was hurt so deeply that I had to spew as much hatred so we couldn’t come back from it because I just knew my heart couldn’t take another breakup. Maybe subconsiously? Or maybe just a knee-jerk reaction to her telling your dad that you were “on the marijuana.” I know it’s not funny. Okay, it’s a little funny. “on the marijuana. Really mom? Not pot? Not even “The pot”? I told her, “Jen already told her parents she smokes,” so I don’t know why you got mad about that, if you did. Anyway, I know she said that, and “My daughter is smarter than yours” (cuz that’s totally what we’re fighting about, right?), and that you’re dad said “You raise your daughter your way, I’ll raise mine my way with our customs” I’m butchering the paraphrasing on the last one, but that’s all I remember and my mom is terrible about remembering conversations. I will admit that while I did not in any way ask my mom to call you for me, when I told her the story, and she got upset (she said her “mommy spidy senses were tingling”), I didn’t discourage her from calling you enough. I was like, “I mean, if it will make you feel better, mom.” At the time, I was still trying not to contact you at all. But I was boiling over with my side of the story, maybe I thought… bah. I really do handle conflict well. Ask my friends out here. There are shocked by the “fighting dirty” things I said to you, and by what I posted on your page. But they are chalking it up to, I’ve dealt with stranger drama (like the guy at the bar, get your hands out of my face, security? ok bye bye), acquantaince drama, and even good friend drama, like giving chris space. But with you, so out of left field. But it’s not an excuse, just a sign that I’m not done growing or learning how to be prepared. Like limbo, you have to keep clearing lower and lower bars to duck the low blows? Wow, great analogy right?
And then in the days that followed there was like realated drama and unrelated drama and I hadnled it so poorly and it was clearly like oooookay I’ve been doing great, especially the last like 6-8 months, but this is a sign, I need some more wolves in my mentor pack, to brush shit off, rise above, love instead of hate. So, I’m working on it. DOn’t get me wrong, some people truly need to be told to fuck the fuck off.
But usually, there’s no need.
BTW, I don’t think you’re toxic. After two days of anger and hurt, I got some good insight, and just started to get really fucking worried about you. Like, what the fuck is going on with this girl. Is there more than what I know?
Working all the time?
Decency torn to shreds by men, i.e. Don, even if not right now (or maybe she knows)
Is torn between 2 worlds
The feet thing (I worry too much, I know)
Pressure from parents
Hasn’t had days off, needed vacation (now blames me for ruining at least one day, although if you read our texts, I was trying so hard to NOT be passive aggressive. In the past I woulda been like, “Oh, you double booked. Wow, guess, you don’t have time for me. Whatever.” And then stewed and festered.” THat’s true p.a. So you know, we be changing.”
So. What else, that I might not know.
P.A. Have you been waiting for me to get you out of certain situations? Pick one. BTW, you did say “You’ve been p.a. lately” on the phone, but it was when i was talking about john and i thought you meant about him, so whew over my head.
Some genuine hostility toward me for shit I don’t know. This i’d really like to know. Like, what’s the beef, yo. And does it really, like plus one night, cancel out the good? I got shit that bugs me. I wish you’d take my advice. I wish you’d stay on the phone instead of saying “Yeah i gotta go” everytime you don’t like what i gotta say.
Long distance==> short distance is hard, don’t compare me to other friends, they don’t talk to you as much
Look, our friendship as we knew it is caput. So…… here’s the deal. I actually don’t know the deal. I just know that I love you, this whole thing seems monumental and silly all in one. I can’t accept that you think I’m evil. I just can’t. Really. Good things take work, I wanna say. But the last 2+ years, not so much work. We’ve been good. I’ve grown up.
I got it.
You say you need to find your place in the world before you fall in love with your soulmate.
Like Indian husband.
Maybe that applies to me.
Just sayin’, like I feel like if you won’t take my advice, and you get angry when I just listen, what help can i be to you?
Which absolutely fucking sucks because you are such a big chunk of my support system! Argh!
But if you need to get yourself together before you can take responsibility, then that’s what you gotta do, girl. And I wish you the best of luck. And I will unburn all of your bridges, because minus tuesday night and how you’ve dealt with the fallout (cuz I’m a saint!), you are amazing, giving, loyal, funny, attractive, amazing, talented, smart.
And quite honestly, better than this.
So when you’re ready to talk, you know how to reach me. I’m gonna be posting on this site–> if you’d like to read it, you can. You can even post, and no one has to know.
I just have no anger for you. Maybe if i sit and stew over that night for too long, but I’m trying not too, and you know, it’ll fade in a few days, for sure in a few weeks.
Just whatever’s going on with you, depression, whatever, get help. Not because you’re broken. But because you desere to be happy and loved.